Up the Cape
UP THE CAPE
Nicholas and the Phantom headed up the Cape
To ravage northern fauna - and few would’ere escape,
For they had the latest fishing gear and Phantom’s high-powered gun
They thought they’d go adventuring and have a little fun.
So down the Namolita the intrepid two went floating
Firing shots at Razorbacks - (it has such style this boating.)
They drifted on at leisure, like Maharajas grand
And the whole thing seemed quite safe, for the pigs were all on land.
So they cruised along the river, and the crocs fled as they came,
But as they crossed a rock-bar, they spied a croc more game
It was somewhat large, this crocodile, (it seemed quite overfed)
And it was going nowhere - could the thing be dead?
There was scrabbling in the stern as Nick produced his gear
“I’ve got to get some photographs, try and creep real near”.
“What?” the Phantom gulps, in a nervous little whinny
“The bloody thing is 15 foot, and we’re here in a tinny!”
“You useless wimp” cries Nicholas, “get closer to this creature
I’m going to make a fortune with a photographic feature”
So Phantom lined the reptile up, he judged the tidal force
And slid the boat toward it on a suicidal course.
Now, get this clear, I’m up the bow, (that’s the pointy end)
And Nick is back behind me as toward the croc we wend
But something’s wrong, this croc is nuts, he isn’t going to flee
It spins around, it’s jaws agape, and it’s looking right at me!
“Christ!” the Phantom thinks “this situations dirty”
His knees are fairly knocking as he grabs his 30/30
“Reverse the boat, you idiot, things aren’t looking right
We’re headed down this monster’s throat, and it looks like it might bite!”
-2-
But do I hear the motor start? - do I hear it’s welcome purring?”
No, I hear the motor-drive of his stupid camera whirring
As Nicholas dreams of fortune from his television feature
With shots of Phantom swallowed by a great big scaly creature.
Phantom raised his cannon and levered in a shell
“I’m gonna blow this dinosaur from here to bloody hell
For Gods sake get us out of here - get that motor revvin
If this thing jumps on board, we’ll both end up in Heaven.”
Then the wind (and Phantoms luck) changed, and the boat drifted away
(It only took five valiums to calm me down that day)
We had the film developed of that monster overfed
But all we got was pictures of the back of Phantom’s head.
So thanks for all that terror, Nick, you really were quite naughty
I hope you’ve now matured at the ripe old age of forty
And next time we hunt monsters in mangroves dark and damp
You can do it on your own - I’ll stay back in camp!
Phantom